What is your life worth? And I’m not talking about monetary, stocks & bonds, how much money you’ve got in your bank account, who’ll miss you when you’re gone, how many friends you’ve got, bullshit. What is your life WORTH? What is it any more? What is your worth as a human being? What is anybody’s worth? What is mine?

I was cleaning out my closet this afternoon, in yet another desperate attempt to keep myself busy because I was bored out of my gourd. Nothing to do, no where to go, no children to mommy & even though ‘tis the season, nothing to bake & no money to shop. So I found myself standing in front of my closet….cleaning it out. And it just struck me as really sad.

For you see in my closet there are thing that remind me of things that I’ll never have, never be, never do, things that I can’t get anymore.

Inside my closet, I have a blue Holly Hobby dress that my mother made me when I was about 6 years old. This was probably the best time in the relationship between my mother & myself. We were best friends. We did everything together. Went all sorts of places with each other. We were rarely out of one another’s company. Now, the noticing of this dress, was not the desire to wear it again….heavens no. But that the relationship between me & mom will never, ever be like that again. Mom & I do not get along. And it saddens me to know that we will never have one of those Hallmark relationships. Not that those are great….they are slightly too sugary for my taste….but she & I will never enjoy the company of each other as an adult….and that makes me sad.

I also found some maternity dresses. Listening to all the advice from my well-meaning albeit overbearing MIL, my soon-to-be-but-probably-will-never-come-to-pass ex-husband, my eldest daughter & various SIL’s….I had myself neutered after delivering Jake. So this has made me incapable of ever having another child again. Now I know what you’re saying…..Jen, dear, sweet insane woman….you’ve got 4 kids. Why on EARTH would you want more? Because I would. Simple. And now I can’t. And seeing those dresses in the closet is a grim reminder of that stark fact.

I found an old dress I bought…..probably when I was about 21…from Express. It’s a hoochie dress. I was a size 7 back then. Slim, slender waist, hips & legs….more than perky twins. And I will be the first to admit…..DAMN, I looked good in it. That will never happen again. Not only have I become very motherly in physical appearance, but motherly mentally too. I don’t think that I could ever pull off wearing such an outfit again, without lecturing the girls on not wearing something so provocative & slutty. I looked like a Bratz doll and that’s something that I won’t let them do at all. “Mommy will have to kill you both if you walk around town looking like this….”

I also found various outfits in ranging sizes…all of whom will never find their way onto this fat ass again….not since post-natal, pre-spinal detriment, pre-screwed up thyroid, pre-lazyass jen… have set in. shit I will never be able to wear again. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many pills they give me….there is no way I’m ever going to be back into those outfits again….no way. I’m just never going to be able to take this weight off.

And the saddest thing I found in my closet of wonders was my wedding dress. Well 2 wedding dresses to be exact. Funny story:

I bought my wedding dress on eBay. A very beautiful wedding dress might I add. And yes….eBay, deal with it. I don’t know how you would categorize these years….the OO’s…the aughts…I don’t know. Be that as it may, the time is now. And you can really find some really good shit on eBay. There is also some real shit on eBay too.

And yes I found a really beautiful, very reasonably priced wedding gown on eBay. In the hopes that one day….one day….I will be able to wear it. You know? I didn’t get a chance to wear a wedding dress to my first wedding. The first one, I was very much inebriated and in a very short, blue dress-thingy. Wow. That was a depressing day.

Funny thing is that the guys I bought it from sent me ANOTHER dress (which is not as pretty but is closer to the color I wanted) and when I emailed him about the mix-up he sent me my dress along with a little gift…..a tiara! Now anyone who knows me, knows my small yet prized tiara collection. I feel like Cinderella, I want to be Cinderella. Yet most days I’m cleaning the cinders of evil step-sisters & wicked step-mothers in the kitchen. Ahhh…the life of a secretly hidden fairy princess can be so cruel.

I digress….back to the rant.

So here I have my wedding dress. I even have my little poufy underslip to make my dress all poufy & pretty. And you know, I don’t thing I’m ever going to wear it. And that sucks.

I mean, its not like other peoples closets, who have wedding dresses that they’ve worn. They have great memories of being in their dress…having photo albums & video to prove it. I only have a made-up memory of what I would have looked like in that dress….complete with groom, children, flowers, music & laughter.

But more than likely I will never see this dream come to fruition.

We can’t afford to get married. Plain & simple. Weddings, even cheapy weddings…are too costly for me. I’ve got 4 kids to clothe, feed & take care of. A wedding is not in the cards, oh fellow blog readers.

My husband, being who he is & what he is...is never going to grant me a divorce. And I can’t afford to get one on my own. I don’t have the time or the physical wherewithal to stand in the 6+hour line to get the free divorce. They just make it so difficult to get divorced in this Godforsaken state.

We can’t afford to get married. Did I mention that already?

You know how easy it is to get married anymore?? Shit, in Vegas, they have drive-thru windows! And here all that is required is your birth certificate & $40.00. No blood tests, no are you sure you wanna do this classes, nothing.

But to get divorced? You need to travel to the depths of the Yucatan, spelunk in a 6,000ft deep cave well, find a rare cave fish who knows his name is “Steve”, teach it to dress in drag & do the hula & then….you have to wait 6 months for the divorce to be finalized. A “cooling off period” they call it. You know, chances are, that if you’re filing for divorce, you’ve given it plenty of thought….and you want it NOW and its not been a spur of the moment thing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that henry is never going to pay to get the divorce done. He likes it this way. Has his little wife on one end of a tether…..pulling it when he feels she needs a jerk. And then on the other, he strings along all the other women in his life…. He gets the best of both worlds. What man wouldn’t like that?? And I married him WHY?!?!?!? Oh…that’s right….i was DRUNK. Case closed.

So….here I sit. Wondering what I am worth. Really? When does good shit happen to good people? Why do I always get the raw deal? When is someone else going to get it without K-Y? Why do I always get heartburn when I get upset? Why can’t the dog die already?

I think I hear a bottle of scotch calling my name…..or is that the dog?