"oh my goodness! i can't believe this. well, i can. since i'm so GD good at what i do. but who am i to tell you all that? you VOTED for me! (insert fake laugh track here) this is really an honor for me. really. i've been looking for one of these for years. you can never find one going for a decent price on eBay. jesus, its much heavier than i thought it'd be! wild!"

"i guess i should start off by thanking the academy. i don't know why.... but it seems that everyone thanks them first, so why fudge with tradition? but thanks, so much, for this great little guy. who will become my new momma's boy shortly. sorry jake."

"speaking of jake.....i'd like to thank my kids. liz, gabe, lea, jake.....you guys keep me heavily stocked in fart jokes & smelly clothes. you're the ones who picked up where nana left off. i'd have never reached this plateau of insanity, if it weren't for you 4. so, thanks. no really....this is not sarcasm. well, ok....its a little sarcasm."

"mom....dad. thanks. for doing.....whatever it was that you did, to make me such a funny, clever, intelligent, sweet, fun-loving, passionate, wild, incredibly gorgeous....oh yeah...and humble person that i am today. i'd also like to thank you both for cracking my psyche into a million little pieces, that turned me into this raving lunatic you see before you today. thanks. you guys are GREAT!"

"god. i don't know what you did, but thanks anywho. i'm just saying....remember this. to cancel out all the bad shit i've done lately, you know? i mean....come on! i'll share oscar with you.....if you ask.....nicely."

"bubba & kat. thanks for making me feel SO much worse about myself than i already do. its so wonderful to have 2 younger siblings....who are so much taller....and so much thinner....than i am. no....really....you two helped emphasize the 'raving' part. you're so great. and no, oscar can't come over for a sleep-over. sorry."

"fred, my beloved fred. king of the cats. my knight in fuzzy white armour. you've been my constant companion, friend, alarm clock & sleeping buddy for years now. and really, you're the only one who hasn't done anything to piss me off or contribute to my insanity. so thanks for that. at least there's some hope for me, huh?"

"and i'm not going to pull a 'hilary swank' & forget my man. so, dc. this is for you babe! WE DID IT!! well....i did it. but you can say you helped! that's gotta be something, right? who's not going to publish the boyfriend of an oscar winner now, hmmmm?? we'll get 'em babe! you'll see!!"

"well....i guess that's everyone. thanks again so much. this is truly a great honor. and now, in the immortal words of my beloved brother, bubba..... 'GET BENT, AMERICA!' night all!"

that's how it would go.... but alas...i'm not nominated this year... (i've SO got to talk to my people.....::UGH::). so, i'll sit at home like the rest of america. watching my gold man go to someone else.

it's so sad. he would have made a great spare TP holder....