Welcome to the Criffs of Insanity! She's crass, she's loud, she's obnoxious....but she's got a neat & tidy linen closet. These are the rantings of Keebler Jen...careful...watch out for hot lava.
who am i? i'm a mom (got 5), a girlfriend (got 1), an ex-wife (got 1), a sister (got 2), a hell of a friend (got a few) & a should-have-been southern belle (will have a plantation one day...). i'm what you would call compulsive about my linen closet & i have an unnatural attachment to my cat fred.
What is your life worth? And I’m not talking about monetary, stocks & bonds, how much money you’ve got in your bank account, who’ll miss you when you’re gone, how many friends you’ve got, bullshit. What is your life WORTH? What is it any more? What is your worth as a human being? What is anybody’s worth? What is mine?
I was cleaning out my closet this afternoon, in yet another desperate attempt to keep myself busy because I was bored out of my gourd. Nothing to do, no where to go, no children to mommy & even though ‘tis the season, nothing to bake & no money to shop. So I found myself standing in front of my closet….cleaning it out. And it just struck me as really sad.
For you see in my closet there are thing that remind me of things that I’ll never have, never be, never do, things that I can’t get anymore.
Inside my closet, I have a blue Holly Hobby dress that my mother made me when I was about 6 years old. This was probably the best time in the relationship between my mother & myself. We were best friends. We did everything together. Went all sorts of places with each other. We were rarely out of one another’s company. Now, the noticing of this dress, was not the desire to wear it again….heavens no. But that the relationship between me & mom will never, ever be like that again. Mom & I do not get along. And it saddens me to know that we will never have one of those Hallmark relationships. Not that those are great….they are slightly too sugary for my taste….but she & I will never enjoy the company of each other as an adult….and that makes me sad.
I also found some maternity dresses. Listening to all the advice from my well-meaning albeit overbearing MIL, my soon-to-be-but-probably-will-never-come-to-pass ex-husband, my eldest daughter & various SIL’s….I had myself neutered after delivering Jake. So this has made me incapable of ever having another child again. Now I know what you’re saying…..Jen, dear, sweet insane woman….you’ve got 4 kids. Why on EARTH would you want more? Because I would. Simple. And now I can’t. And seeing those dresses in the closet is a grim reminder of that stark fact.
I found an old dress I bought…..probably when I was about 21…from Express. It’s a hoochie dress. I was a size 7 back then. Slim, slender waist, hips & legs….more than perky twins. And I will be the first to admit…..DAMN, I looked good in it. That will never happen again. Not only have I become very motherly in physical appearance, but motherly mentally too. I don’t think that I could ever pull off wearing such an outfit again, without lecturing the girls on not wearing something so provocative & slutty. I looked like a Bratz doll and that’s something that I won’t let them do at all. “Mommy will have to kill you both if you walk around town looking like this….”
I also found various outfits in ranging sizes…all of whom will never find their way onto this fat ass again….not since post-natal, pre-spinal detriment, pre-screwed up thyroid, pre-lazyass jen… have set in. shit I will never be able to wear again. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many pills they give me….there is no way I’m ever going to be back into those outfits again….no way. I’m just never going to be able to take this weight off.
And the saddest thing I found in my closet of wonders was my wedding dress. Well 2 wedding dresses to be exact. Funny story:
I bought my wedding dress on eBay. A very beautiful wedding dress might I add. And yes….eBay, deal with it. I don’t know how you would categorize these years….the OO’s…the aughts…I don’t know. Be that as it may, the time is now. And you can really find some really good shit on eBay. There is also some real shit on eBay too.
And yes I found a really beautiful, very reasonably priced wedding gown on eBay. In the hopes that one day….one day….I will be able to wear it. You know? I didn’t get a chance to wear a wedding dress to my first wedding. The first one, I was very much inebriated and in a very short, blue dress-thingy. Wow. That was a depressing day.
Funny thing is that the guys I bought it from sent me ANOTHER dress (which is not as pretty but is closer to the color I wanted) and when I emailed him about the mix-up he sent me my dress along with a little gift…..a tiara! Now anyone who knows me, knows my small yet prized tiara collection. I feel like Cinderella, I want to be Cinderella. Yet most days I’m cleaning the cinders of evil step-sisters & wicked step-mothers in the kitchen. Ahhh…the life of a secretly hidden fairy princess can be so cruel.
I digress….back to the rant.
So here I have my wedding dress. I even have my little poufy underslip to make my dress all poufy & pretty. And you know, I don’t thing I’m ever going to wear it. And that sucks.
I mean, its not like other peoples closets, who have wedding dresses that they’ve worn. They have great memories of being in their dress…having photo albums & video to prove it. I only have a made-up memory of what I would have looked like in that dress….complete with groom, children, flowers, music & laughter.
But more than likely I will never see this dream come to fruition.
We can’t afford to get married. Plain & simple. Weddings, even cheapy weddings…are too costly for me. I’ve got 4 kids to clothe, feed & take care of. A wedding is not in the cards, oh fellow blog readers.
My husband, being who he is & what he is...is never going to grant me a divorce. And I can’t afford to get one on my own. I don’t have the time or the physical wherewithal to stand in the 6+hour line to get the free divorce. They just make it so difficult to get divorced in this Godforsaken state.
We can’t afford to get married. Did I mention that already?
You know how easy it is to get married anymore?? Shit, in Vegas, they have drive-thru windows! And here all that is required is your birth certificate & $40.00. No blood tests, no are you sure you wanna do this classes, nothing.
But to get divorced? You need to travel to the depths of the Yucatan, spelunk in a 6,000ft deep cave well, find a rare cave fish who knows his name is “Steve”, teach it to dress in drag & do the hula & then….you have to wait 6 months for the divorce to be finalized. A “cooling off period” they call it. You know, chances are, that if you’re filing for divorce, you’ve given it plenty of thought….and you want it NOW and its not been a spur of the moment thing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that henry is never going to pay to get the divorce done. He likes it this way. Has his little wife on one end of a tether…..pulling it when he feels she needs a jerk. And then on the other, he strings along all the other women in his life…. He gets the best of both worlds. What man wouldn’t like that?? And I married him WHY?!?!?!? Oh…that’s right….i was DRUNK. Case closed.
So….here I sit. Wondering what I am worth. Really? When does good shit happen to good people? Why do I always get the raw deal? When is someone else going to get it without K-Y? Why do I always get heartburn when I get upset? Why can’t the dog die already?
I think I hear a bottle of scotch calling my name…..or is that the dog?
because there is a million things to do in the house. isn't that always the case? AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT DECEMBER IS HERE! well, thursday it'll be here...but HELL!! when did the year fly by like this?
remember when you were a kid?? it took, like, forever....for the holidays to come. for your birthday to get here. and now it seems as if they all blurr into one huge "HA HA YOU'RE GETTING OLDER & CAN'T AFFORD SHIT" holiday neener-neener-neener. KWIM?
when did holidays become un-fun? cause i know a couple of parents. yeah, sure, we all love the look on our kids faces during the holiday season. when they get to open their gift & their eyes sparkle. but after that, we hate it. its not fun like it used to be.
they make me want to run & curl into a fetal position in the corner of my closet. not fun, i assure you. even you sicko's out there. fetal position is no picnic (especially with my bad back).
so here i am. on the apex of the largest holiday known to man. christmas.
CHRISTMAS! holy jibas!! i'm not ready! my kids don't have NEARLY enough stuff (even though my wonderful DC has kept meticulous records on his nerd program....::SiGH::...yes girls, he's all mine....) and according to that, we have approximately the same number, both in quantity & price....for all 4 kids.
but you NEVER have enough for your kids. you know that.
and i feel bad. there are more cool toys that they want, not that they necessarily deserve (heavens NO!), but that you want to bestow on them, nonetheless. they're all wonderful this time of year, ever notice that??
but hell, they'll get more from me than they will their father. that's for sure. i'm practically done with all my shopping. and the only thing that he's garnered for the kids thus far, is what I bought him the other day (yes....i know....jen, you SAP! but hey....they're my babies!)
so here i am. freaking out, worrying, cleaning (well...not really....my bed is SOOOOO comfy)
when is enough, enough? how do you know you've reached the end of your rope? that the proverbial last straw has hit the camel's back?
i don't know about you all, but i have reached the limits to my nerve endings. i'm talking about the ex....of course....again.
this afternoon, i finally have all my children back together since turkey day. the boys spent one night with their father & the girls were over with my favorite SIL, emily, for 2 days.
not that i needed a break from the kids, heavens no......well, ok.....yes....but only slightly. but i needed to get my BLACK FRIDAY shopping done. (and let me tell you how much i LOVE going shopping at 4 in the morning with a migraine from hell....wheee!) which was great, cause not only was i shopping AND getting great deals....i spent some great time with my eldest baby (who....just turned 18 2 weeks ago...). it was nice given the physical circumstances. and they had some great deals at Tar-Jet this year...we got a tree, a dvd player, some scooters....
i digress....sorry. back to the rant.
anywho, got the boys back yesterday, which was nice in itself. i never get to have time alone with just me & the boys. so, it was fun. we played, decorated the tree, chased each other through the house, etc. it was a blast. but i, well we, missed the girls.
so, today we went to emily's house (i made them 2 turkey & cheese quiches too! :) ....i love emmie!) to get the ladies of the house. made a quick trip to TRU for some things (no toys mind you....just a few DVD's & let the kids wish alot...) and then we all decided to head out to eat to fully celebrate my birthday (did you all know that i turned 33 on friday?? lol!)
so after much debate....we decided on Lucielle's in long beach. if you've never been.....GO! its AWESOME! not the best BBQ place in los angeles (Fred's would be #1 in my book, but its a PITA to get to & to eat at.....email me for details...lol!) but for someone from the south, its flippin awesome southern BBQ.
get to lucielle's, put our name in.....get a call from, you guessed it, the ex. wants to know where i am & if i would be willing to let gabe go to his house.
EX: "hey...what are you all doing?" ME: "nothing. eating. celebrating my birthday. why?" EX: "you think gabe could come over for a while?" ME: "why? got a hot date" (i was kidding, of course) EX: "well, i've got a playdate and need gabe." ME: "you've got a WHAT?!?!?!" EX: "playdate. she's got a kid about gabe's age." ME: "you've got to be kidding?" EX: "no, why? something wrong with that?" ME: "well if you think its alright to use your kids in that fashion, then by all means..." EX: "ok, so good. you'll drop him off?" ME: "well, we're eating. its going to be at least 2 hours." EX: "that's fine. i'll see you then"
well this just frosts my cookies. i don't know about you all, but it annoys the living shit out of me. who does he think he is?!?!? they're kids ferchristsake! not objets d'art to show off to people. i mean, WITH is wrong with some people??
am i wrong here? did i over-react??
against my better judgement, i took him there. i don't want to start a fight. i know i should, but i'm afraid of this man. he can snap & turn into an animal. i've seen it a few times & he scares me. and i know he'd be pissed off if he knew that too. he hates it that people are afraid of him...even though he lives to instill fear in others.
but you know...i'm at a point where i just want to quit. i've had enough. i wish i could just check out. if it weren't for the kids, then i don't know what i'd do.
i'm just fed up. at this point, i can't wait for the divorce to be finalized. i just want to go home. back east. to my family, my mom (yes....i really miss her & wish she was with me from time to time), my dad, my step-dad, bubba & kat. even my weepy grandma (who never misses an opportunity to tell me just how sorry she is that i'm going through all this alone...::SIGH::). i know that dale misses his mother & step-dad, grandma roe too. being out here is just too much for all of us anymore.
alright....i'm here. but i don't like it. i can't figure out the template shit. and its giving me a headache... in addition to the kids making me insane.
and no.....i don't feel like being funny today. sorry. lol.
i need to go to bed already....... oh kids!! mommy thought she heard coughing earlier! everyone needs nyquil! :)
any help, comments, ideas, stolen thoughts, etc.... would be greatly appreciated! :)
who out there in blogger land knows how this GD thing works?? i mean, i got a grip on the MySpace HTML stuff (well...mostly stole all that i have there...teehee....)
but i have no idea how this place works. doesn't anyone have some tut's that i can steal...er, i mean, BORROW from?!?!?!? if chris wants her way, then i need to have this place look like me. and thus far....nah. the black is good, but that only takes me so far.
well, here i am. no kids & guess what? i've got a migraine from hell. just what i need. when i've got a house full of halloween to take down & christmas to start putting up. why on earth does all this crap happen to me? why can't i just have a normal, non-pain day like other people??
and this right here...is my fred. my security blanket, if you will. i've had fred since i graduated from high school in 90. which puts him at about 16 now. i love my grumpy old man.