at 2AM. (yes, this is going to be an ode to my poohbear....)

and off to the hospital i went at 8, only to be sent home by 9. by this time, i had decided that labor & hospitals BOTH SUCK ASS!!

then at roughly 3PM, my water broke. but being a 1st time laborer, i had no clue. i thought i peed all over myself. thank god my ex-husband had the presence of mind to say, "I think we should go now."

but i wasn't hearing it. i had changed my mind. this labor shit is for the birds. i think i'll just stop now. (yeah....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...................) then the pushing started. i think it was then that i decided to go to the hospital.

on the car ride (which is now happening during early rush hour....4:30PM) to the lovely Kaiser Bellflower Hospital, both legs are braced against the dashboard of our 89 toyota.

henry driving, screams, "you aren't pushing are you? you're not supposed to do that until they tell you to....."
me grunting & really pissed off, "YEAH....LIKE I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR THEM?!?!?!?!?!? THEY SENT ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!"
"well knock that off! you can't have her here in the car!"
"YOU WANNA TRY TO STOP ME?? TRY IT & DIE ASSHOLE!!"
"i don't know why you have to get so hostile."
"HOSTILE?? YOU WANNA SEE HOSTILE??? LEMME RIP YOU OPEN!! THEN WE'LL BE EVEN!"
"this isn't the time to make threats, jennifer."
"YEAH....I'LL THREATEN YOU.....P.O.S."
"look, there is the hospital. lemme park the car."
"PARK THE CAR?!?!?!? ARE YOU DAFT??? DON'T YOU SEE I'M IN LABOR?!?!?!?"
"well i don't know if i'll have the chance later on to move the car. and what if they tow it?"
"LIKE THEY NEVER HAVE WOMEN GO INTO LABOR HERE? WHEN EXACTLY DID YOU FALL OFF THE TUNA TRUCK?"
"more insults. thanks. like i'm not under enough pressure here?"
"YOU MUST REALLY WANT TO DIE, DON'T YOU? WHO ARE YOU???"
"look, there's a parking spot."

mind you all....he parked my laboring ass up on the 3rd floor. nice.....

"NOW I SUPPOSE YOU WANT ME TO WALK?"
"well, how are you supposed to get inside?"
"OH GOD, IF I WEREN'T IN LABOR RIGHT NOW I'D BRAIN YOU. YOU ARE A RETARD, KNOW THAT?"
"you know....i'm not making fun of you."
"OH MAN, ONCE THIS PAIN IS OVER WITH, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE NEXT FEW HOURS CAUSE AFTER THAT, YOUR ASS IS MINE. AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY EITHER."
"hurry up so we can catch the elevator!"
"???????????????????????????????????????????????"

meanwhile, there is this nice couple coming out of the hospital...

"do you need a wheelchair? HEY GUARD!! SHE NEEDS A WHEELCHAIR!! Honey, why are you parked up here?"
"DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!?"
"oh, sorry. the chair is coming. should we kill him for you?"
"WOULD YOU PLEASE??"

they laugh....i was serious. i finally get a wheelchair and an orderly.

"we're going to get you to L&D in two shakes."
"GREAT, CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO RUPTURE RIGHT HERE."
"well don't go doing that until they see you upstairs."
"YEAH, LIKE I COULD QUIT RIGHT NOW IF REALLY WANTED TO. CAN I? I MEAN, YOU ALL HAVE DRUGS TO START LABOR...HOW ABOUT STOPPING IT?"
"um....i don't think you really want this stopped now."
"LIKE HELL I DON'T. YOU HAVE NO CLUE. YOU'RE JUST A MAN."
"oh man, you sound like my wife did.", chuckles.
"PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU TOO."

we finally arrive up in L&D and i get into triage.

"well, what do we have here?"
"ARE YOU SHITTING ME? THIS IS A HOSPITAL & THIS IS L&D, RIGHT? THE DUDE DIDN'T TAKE ME TO THE WRONG FLOOR, RIGHT?"
"yes, sweetie. you're in the right place. now hop up onto this table so we can check you out."
"NUMBER ONE, I CANNOT HOP IN THIS CONDITION, SO BITE ME. NUMBER TWO, IF YOU SEND ME HOME AGAIN, I'M NEVER COMING BACK HERE EVER AGAIN."
"well you need to get up here so i can see how far along you are."
"FINE."
"ok, let's see.......you're.....OH MY! WE NEED A ROOM HERE!!!"
"is there a problem?"
"you are ready dear."
"DON'T I GET AN EPIDURAL?? I NEED SOMETHING!"
"oh no dear. you're ready to go!"
"WHAT?!?!?!? ALL THIS & NO DRUGS???? I HATE YOU ALL."
"well, you'll feel different in a little bit."
"LIKE HELL I WILL"

i get wheeled into a delivery room. oh joy.

"so, are you ready to deliver this.....let's see....what are you having....a girl! how lovely!"
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING, RIGHT??? DON'T IT LOOK LIKE I'M READY?!?!?!?!"
"well, sure...OMG..."
"WHAT?!?!?!?!?"
"um....doctor, i don't think this little one is going to wait..."
"well she better wait!"
"WELL I DON'T THINK SHE IS!!! CAUSE HERE SHE COMES!!"

it was 5:35PM.....we had the news on. henry didn't want to miss it. nice, huh?

"oh my! well wasn't that simple?"
"YEAH.....RIGHT. SIMPLE. SO SIMPLE I SHOULD HAVE 4 MORE." (very prophetic.....)
"well, what name have we decided to call this little cutie?"
"well we haven't really decided. can i see her?"
"oh my stars, of course! here you are!"

and they handed me my 3 week premature, 5lb. 6.5 oz., 18 inch, pink all over, no hair, green eyed, baby girl....my claudia elizabeth.

where claudia came from, i have no clue. it just popped into my head at the moment. elizabeth is for my mother & grandmother. (mom is kennie elizabeth & grandma is ora elizabeth)

happy 10th birthday, my twin, my pooh, my girl. i love you liz.