• first off, the kids aren't here this week, so there are no cute little lea-dotes to write about.
• secondly, i've reached a plateau on my weightloss. and what's a girl to write about if not her shrinking thighs?
• thirdly, its down right chilly here in so cal. what that has to do with writing, i have no clue.
• and lastly, i could write about how a thread on my email loop with some of my dearest friends is a RE: baptism gifts....what to give? yet is now delving into the sordid life of SAHM's & the sexual favors they bestow upon their male companions.

• any boy who brags about his sex life......has none.
• the number of girls he's slept with........divide by 3.
• he is not as endowed as he says he is.
• his ex girlfriends will attest to this fact.
• girls are more descriptive & nasty when discussing the opposite sex.
• we never brag about our sex life.....and its way better than anything you could imagine.
• the number of guys we've slept with.......multiply by 3.
• i am that good....i choose to act demure.
• all my ex's will attest to that fact.

so here is what i need from everyone.

what wacky places (like the house of mud that clark w. griswold wanted to visit) would you like to see a photo journal of???

and no....i will not visit the double decker outhouse in arkansas. gross.

"...give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. yearning to be free"

well, i don't know all about the poor thing....but it should say the sick & infirmed.

i honestly don't know what goes on over at my ex-husbands house. i really don't. but every single time i get the kids back from there, someone is sick. and they flee to mom for comfort, solace, gatorade & tylenol.

this weekend alone, i've had: stomach flu (2 bouts), asthma attacks (2 bouts), fevers (2 bouts) and a migraine.

and a creepy sidenote about my eldest, claudia. who in the world can yak while they sleep & not wake up? i swear, she's from an alien planet. that child could sleep through a nuclear holocaust. you could have the NY philharmonic playing "Stars & Stripes Forever" next to her head & she wouldn't stir.

i need to take a tylenol.

~*GRANDMA'S CURES*~
Keep this on the Fridge

Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade
can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side
effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids
peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?
Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for
30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat?
Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a
day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer.
Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the
product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes...
Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid
over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing.
Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus...
Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine
mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
It is also good for dandruff!!!

Easy eyeglass protection...
To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline
Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust...
Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with
Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer...
If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you
can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.
Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter,
let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress.
The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of
Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises .. Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour.
The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly.
Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and
shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations.
Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor...
Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with
Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites...
All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear.
Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days.
The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....
It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats
and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool
slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

• gabe gets up this morning & heads directly for the GC (one day he's going to have to mainline that junk).
• jake has monopolized their TV with the vsmile (he's becoming his brother faster & faster each minute).
• psycho (lea) is wandering the house aimlessly, dramatically complaining about some phantom ailment & panting(?) ....(i know that there is an academy award waiting somewhere in the future for this gem).
• liz is still sleeping....i am so NOT ready for her teen years.

i swear. i love them all. alot. too much, i think at times. but they're going to be the death of me.

yesterday, they had complete & free reign of the whole house. i didn't lift a finger to assist, help, clean, nuture, mommy or triage. and at 11PM they were all still awake, running through the whole house like a bunch of savages (did you all know that if a domesticated pig gets into the wild, it will revert back to being feral in something like 6 weeks?!?!?!? use this new information i have given you to imagine these children...) and creating havoc in their wake.

the house was a disaster area. and it didn't help that while they were running like mad, they got lula all excited. (lula is a basset.....with bad arthritis.....who thinks she is a greyhound.....need i say more?) and there goes my fat, dense (as in mass not intellegence) & now very hyper basset......running the basset 500 right alongside the monsters.

there was ground up lay's chips in the carpet, pizza crusts all over the house, literally a hundred cups strewn at least 1/2 empty throughout the whole house (about 45 in their room.....how many kids do i have?!?!?!?)

finally i had ENOUGH! and they were SHOCKED that mom was mad?!?!?!? wow.....they are dense (as in intellegence this time....) i swear, if i wasn't so tired by then....i would have killed them all. even the cute 3 year old....who by this time has gone coma. smart kid....knows when to lay low.

and yet, after another of my daily rants to my angelic children (NOT!)......they swore, this time i think there was mention of slavery or game system sacrifice if they reneged, that they were going to behave, follow directions & generally act normal.....i know, its a stretch.

oh joy......i hear a fight in the livingroom....and the wails of wanton toddler.

i wonder how much i can get for jake on the black market?